Sarcastic Quotes

Sarcastic Quotes

  • The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept. – George Carlin – Funny Quotes
  • Books: It’s called reading! It’s how humans install new software into their brains!
  • Awesome things will happen today if you choose not to be a miserable cow.
  • POOR: When you have too much month left at the end of the money!
  • Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly? I feel that way about far too many people.
  • If you think things can’t get any worse, it’s probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.
  • I don’t care what people think of me. At least mosquito’s find me attractive.
  • I love rumors – I always find out amazing thing about myself, I never knew.
  • All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring. – Chuck Palahniuk – Funny Quotes
  • I’ve reached that age where my brain went from, ‘you probably shouldn’t say that’ to ‘what the hell, let’s see what happens’. – Funny Quotes
  • Reality continues to ruin my life. – Bill Watterson
  • Dear Karma: I have a list of people you have missed.
  • Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead. – Charles Bukowski
  • I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. – W.C. Fields
  • Would you like a table? – – No, not at all. I came here of the floor. Carpet for 5 please.
  • My life feels like a test I did not study for.
  • I’ve reached that age where my brain went from “you probably shouldn’t say that” to “what the hell, let’s see what happens. – Funny Quotes
  • Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse. – Thomas Szasz – Funny Quotes
  • Google turned 18 a few days ago. We should be ashamed, We’ve been asking very inappropriate questions to someone underage all these years.
  • Looks are only skin deep, but ugly goes right to the bone.
  • Insanity: Doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.
  • Have you ever listened to someone for a whale and wondered – ‘Who ties your shoelaces for you?’
  • Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you’ll die of a misprint. – Markus Herz
  • The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. – Terry Pratchett
  • Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. – Douglas Adams
  • You know what they say – The grass is always greener near the septic tank!
  • Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company. – Benjamin Franklin
  • Remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
  • Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  • I didn’t climb to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian!
  • Sarcasm: Helping the intelligent politely tolerate the obtuse for thousands of years.
  • I’m actually not funny, I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.
  • I became so religious so that I could pray for you to burn in hell. – Funny Insults
  • My friends treat me like God. They ignore my existence and only talk to me when they need something.
  • Sarcasm is an art – If it was a science, I’d have my PhD.
  • Never tell your problems to anyone – 20% don’t care and the other 80% are glad it’s you who have them.
  • Women and cats will do as they please. Men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. – Robert A. Heinlein – Funny Quotes
  • I love my life, but it just wants to be friends.
  • No, I’m Not Sleeping I’m Just Resting My Eyelids
  • I was hoping for a battle of the wits – but you seem unarmed.
  • I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!
  • Please cancel my subscription, because I don’t need your issues.
  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. – Steven Wright
  • My level of sarcasm has got to the point where I don’t even know if I’m joking or not.
  • A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools. Douglas Adams
  • I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
  • If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
  • I’m not always rude and sarcastic – Sometimes I’m asleep.
  • How are you today? Just kidding, I don’t care.
  • She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
  • Life is good, you should get one.
  • If something goes wrong at the office, always blame the guy who can’t speak English.
  • If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.
  • If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
  • There’s a fine like between being tanned, and looking like you rolled in Doritos.
  • Those who laugh last think slowest.
  • The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  • It takes patience to listen and skill to pretend you’re listening.
  • There is a fine line between fashion and circus. So where’s the tent?
  • I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  • Don’t take yourself so seriously, no one else does.
  • You never learn anything by doing it right.
  • The movie was awesome. – My favorite part was when it ended!
  • We have a love and hate relationship – He loves me, I hate him.
  • I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter. – Funny Insults
  • No, you don’t have to repeat yourself – I was ignoring you the first time.
  • If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb your ego and jump into your IQ.
  • If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, its because you’re both heading in the same direction.
  • Sarcasm: The secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.
  • It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
  • I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  • If you wrote down every single thought you ever had, you would get an award for the shortest story ever.
  • You sound better with your mouth closed.
  • The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
  • I don’t believe in plastic surgery, but in your case, I would make an exception.
  • I can’t believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
  • I feel like we’re apart when we’re in the same room! But If you keep talking, you’ll ruin the illusion.
  • Some say the grass isn’t always greener on the other side – I say – Depends on where you live.
  • You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  • Now we know why some animals eat their own children.
  • My brain said crunches, but my stomach auto-corrected it to ‘cupcakes’
  • Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.
  • Experience is the name so many people give to their mistakes.
  • Congratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode – really
  • Zombies eat peoples brains. It’s okay, you’re safe.
  • Mom, what’s it like to have the greatest daughter in the world. – I don’t know dear, you’ll have to go ask Grandma. – Mother Quotes
  • Ugliness can be fixed, stupidity is forever.
  • One day I intend to be a little old person in a nursing home, that leads the rebellion and puts Vodka in all the Iv bags.
  • I can only please one person a day – Today is not your day and tomorrow isn’t looking good either. – N.J. Nielsen Saddington – Funny Quotes
  • I didn’t realize you were an expert on my life and how I should live it.
  • I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
  • DEJA POO: The feeling that you’ve heard that crap before.
  • I’m sorry, while you were talking I was trying to figure where the hell you got the idea I cared.
  • Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you any worse advice.
  • This is my cup of care  – Oh! Would you look at that – it’s empty!
  • Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege.
  • My loyalty cannot be bought, however, it can be rented.
  • Tell me how I have upset you, because I want to know how to do it again.
  • I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
  • Should I bring ladder so you can step out of my business?
  • Are you really stupid or you are just pretending?
  • I don’t know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
  • Expect nothing and you’ll never be disappointing!
  • A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.
  • Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either.
  • I realize you have an inferiority complex but it’s fully justified.
  • Sarcasm: The ability to insult an idiot, without them realizing it!
  • When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic reply.
  • The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains, is great news for you.
  • A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
  • Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.
  • Tell me – Is being stupid a profession or are you just gifted?
  • You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look the best when my eyes closed.
  • Don’t take life so seriously, it isn’t permanent.
  • Jealously is a disease – Get well soon!
  • I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I call your stupid. – I really thought you already knew!
  • Here, let me drop whats important to me and pay attention to all of your needs.
  • A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.
  • Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery.
  • Stupidity is not a crime, so you’re free to go.
  • If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.
  • If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
  • Nice shoes, how long did the doctor say you had to were them?
  • I don’t know what you’re problem is – But I’m pretty sure it would be hard to pronounce.
  • Not many people can listen to you and survive. I should be getting an award.
  • How much do you charge to haunt a house?
  • Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
  • I am busy right now, can I ignore you at some other time?
  • Someone said that you didn’t have half a brain, but I defended you, I insisted that you did!
  • Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
  • Violence won’t solve anything – But it sure makes me feel better.
  • I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.
  • When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
  • Sarcasm: Because beating the crap out of people is illegal.
  • Silence is golden – and – duct tape is silver.
  • You look good when your eyes are closed, but you look even better when I close mine!
  • Police pulls over a speeding car. COP – I’ve been waiting for you all day. DRIVER – Yeah well I got here as fast as I could.
  • Thank you for leaving my side when I needed you – I realized I can do so much without you.
  • I’ll be a millionaire once I’m done making this device that lets you punch people in the face over the Internet!
  • In the end everything we do, is just everything we’ve done.
  • Look at you, your in perfect shape – – – for a circle.
  • Tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to use sarcasm.
  • You’d be in good shape – if you ran as much as your mouth.
  • Without geometry, life is pointless.
  • Before talking please connect the tongue to the brain.
  • Sarcasm: The lowest form of wit and the highest form of intelligence.
  • Oh – I didn’t tell you? – Then It must have been none of your business.
  • I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.
  • The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you. – Rita Mae Brown – Funny Quotes
  • Sure I’ll help you out! – the same way you came in.
  • Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?