Funny Quotes

Funny Humor Quotes

Fun, sarcasm, stiring the pot, purposefully poking fun at others and other dynamic forms of banter, to display my love of pushing people’s buttons. Annoying, teasing and infuriating people, tops my, to-do list. But only if I’m not truly upsetting someone.

  • No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. – Abraham Lincoln
  • Friends are like bras, close to your heart and always there to support you. – Friendship Quotes
  • If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. – Dalai Lama – Positive Quotes
  • Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey – Love Quotes
  • Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. – Mark Twain
  • Never let your friends feel lonely – Disturb them all the time. – Friendship Quotes
  • Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. – Margaret Mead
  • I can resist everything except temptation. – Oscar Wilde
  • Every guy thinks every girl’s dream is to find the perfect guy – hmm – every girl’s dream is to eat without getting fat.
  • If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month. – Theodore Roosevelt
  • Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I. – Oscar Levant
  • One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening. – Franklin P. Jones
  • A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – Steve Martin
  • Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. – Don Marquis
  • I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you. – Robin Williams
  • I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. – Douglas Adams
  • When you are courting a nice girl, an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red hot cinder, a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. – Albert Einstein
  • A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s – She changes it more often. – Oliver Herford – Love Quotes
  • My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg
  • I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade and try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka and have a party. – Ron White
  • We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.  – W. H. Auden
  • If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me. – Alice Roosevelt Longworth
  • People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.  – Isaac Asimov
  • Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. – Elbert Hubbard
  • A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. – Lana Turner – Love Quotes
  • Friendship is like peeing your pants every one can see it, but only you can feel the warmth it brings. – Friendship Quotes
  • Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. – Benjamin Franklin
  • Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. – Mark Twain